It’s been quite a while since Mr. Kimmel last met with advertisers at Disney’s Upfront Stage. The most notable was last year’s Kimmel media scandal, in which Disney temporarily benched the late-night show host following threats from the Trump administration. On Tuesday, he returned to the front lines, exclaiming, “I never thought I’d see you again!”
“I’ve been through so much crap this year, and it’s made me appreciate this crap,” Kimmel said. “You have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend to get ABC to take you off the air!”
(This wasn’t ‘Bachelorette’/Taylor Frankie Paul’s only crack: “When it comes to us at ABC, other than all the domestic violence, we’re really great!”)
Before we get into that, let’s think a little more about his conflict with the White House. “Yes, the president has tried to get me twice in the last six months. That’s one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is to say that I’ve generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.”
He continued: “We’re up 25%, thanks in large part to our partners in Washington. It’s good to see the numbers going up these days. Having said that, if Johnny Carson woke up one day and looked at my ratings, he’d go straight under the sink and take all of Drano.”
Kimmel noted that the company has suffered significant losses, in the billions of dollars, as a result of the controversy over the past year. There is very likely no employee in the history of any company who has done more damage to their employer than hiring me 24 years ago. From a purely mathematical perspective, this was the worst personnel decision at Disney. No one, not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez, caused more damage. ”
He joked that a little excitement from the crowd would help, and sent his buddy Guillermo into the crowd to raise money.
As for the crack at Disney: “Since I founded ABC, we’ve had three CEOs: Bob, Bob, Bob, and Josh. Josh’s last name is pronounced ‘dam-aro,’ which means ‘Every show you’ve ever seen is canceled tomorrow.'”
Disney is already touting the fact that it (along with ESPN) will be broadcasting the Super Bowl on ABC for the first time in 21 years. “This will be ABC’s first Super Bowl in 20 years, and we’re going to be lean from it,” Kimmel said. “We’re going to spend the whole year promoting what’s already the most popular, and as if the country wasn’t divided enough already, we’re going to put the game on Valentine’s Day.”
Remember the outrage over this year’s MAGA halftime star Bad Bunny? Kimmel chimed in, “Let me tell you what this year’s halftime show is going to be. It’s the whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town!”
Appearing on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” with other hosts on Monday night, Kimmel said, “CBS will be using the 11:35 p.m. “They’re trying to switch to a ‘Leathed’ time slot because it’s the least likely to offend the president. Losing your job is bad enough. Imagine being replaced.” By the owner of the Weather Channel. ”
It’s time to make fun of the competition — which he admits isn’t as much fun in this day and age. “I’m rooting for CBS. They have a lot of great return shows and some new ones. ‘NCIS: New York’ answers the question, ‘What would happen if LL Cool J teamed up with another white guy in another city?’ There is a show called “Einstein” in which Albert Einstein’s grandson solves crimes. You know, they were supposed to release it last year, but they postponed it because they needed time to figure out who Einstein was, who decided to make a show where Einstein’s grandson solves crimes.
“And they’re also doing ‘The Price Is Right at Night.’ Now, in the nighttime version, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a BJ in an alley behind the scenery.”
“Are we allowed to brag about being No. 1 when we have the Olympics or the Super Bowl? That’s only if we have it again next year and if we don’t. NBC took over ‘Chicago Fire,’ ‘Chicago PD,’ ‘Chicago Med,'” Kimmel asked, noting that NBC took over as the No. 1 broadcast network this year. Seriously, someone at NBC is fucking the mayor of Chicago?
Now, Fox is in the spotlight. “Meanwhile, poor Fox is at the bottom again, and their big plan to turn things around is a remake of ‘Baywatch.'” This is the show for those who watched the first 11 seasons of “Baywatch” and thought, “But that’s not the whole story!” Fox President Michael Thorne said the new Baywatch movie will bring the California dream to a whole new generation of fans with a fresh story they can masturbate to.
Besides his crack at “The Bachelorette,” Kimmel had more to say about his ABC boss. “‘Dancing with the Stars’ is hotter than grandma’s panties on Michael Bublé’s show…Young people love ‘The Rookie.’
Kimmel then made a few more jokes about the advertising business, concluding by joking, “That’s it for me, probably forever!”
But before it ended, Kimmel brought out his 11-year-old daughter Jane as a surprise guest and introduced her to a musical performance by Olivia Rodrigo.
Kimmel was once again targeted by the Trump administration after the president and first lady called on Disney to fire the host over a joke he made before the White House Correspondents’ Dinner (and an alleged attempted shooting at the event). Kimmel’s “pregnant widow” joke before the event centered on the president’s age and the likelihood that the young first lady will outlive him. It’s a joke, and Trump continues to make his own, Kimmel pointed out.
As the Trumps demanded Kimmel’s contract be terminated, FCC Chairman Brendan Kerr saw an opportunity to punish Disney by opening up its broadcast license to “early renewal” negotiations. Carr, who continues to weaponize the agency against Donald Trump’s critics, claimed the investigation was about Disney’s DEI practices at eight ABC stations, but most experts pointed out how disingenuous that argument was. Mr. Carr’s actions have even drawn rebuke from his own party, including Sen. Ted Cruz.
