Donald Trump, played by James Austin Johnson, opened Saturday’s “SNL” with a series of increasingly ridiculous “emergency” phone calls to Tiger Woods (Keenan Thompson), Melania Trump (Chloe Fineman) and Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost).
Woods was the first to appear, and President Trump called him from the Oval Office and said, “Tiger! It’s Donald! What’s up, are you playing in the Masters this weekend?”
Woods replied, “No, sir. I don’t know if you remember, but I flipped my car and got drunk and drove.”
“Oh, yeah, DUI,” Trump said (making it sound like he was drinking and driving), adding, “It’s like, ‘Does he drink and drive?'” Yes, that’s right. ”
After Woods complimented the president’s joke, Trump told Woods: “You should have told the police we were friends. They would have let you go.”
“Well, I did, and they didn’t,” Woods said, to which Trump responded, “If there’s anything I can do to help. Well, how about we play some golf?”
“Actually, I’m in a rehab facility in Switzerland right now,” Woods said, before Trump hung up and answered a call from his wife, Melania.
In a brief reference to the press conference the real Melania Trump called earlier this week to announce that she had no relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Feynman’s Melania Trump told her husband, “Listen, out of nowhere, I suddenly decided that I should give a big bullshit speech and say I’m not a victim of Epstein. Is that OK?”
“Darling, I have to admit, this sounds a little crazy. Who are you? Me?”
After finishing his meeting with first lady Melania Trump, President Trump called Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to review the status of the Iran war.
“Well, don’t worry, I’m told Iran disappears every Saturday night just like me,” Jost’s Hegseth said. “We destroyed everything. Wet their wheelies, beat their sacks, dyed every single one of their children purple. You also heard that I want to restart the draft, which is a great sign of a ceasefire. This time, we’re fighting millennial harassment by getting 40-year-olds to join the military. Yeah, put that fingerbeard to work and pull the trigger.”
Hegseth then asked if Trump was really negotiating a ceasefire.
“Don’t worry about the negotiations. I just heard they are going in a very bad direction,” Trump declared. “I sent in our secret weapon, J.D. Vance. The Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D. and said, ‘Please, go back to bombing.'”
Watch the cold open below.
