Stephen Colbert continues to scale back his appearance on CBS’s “The Late Show,” ending his viral segment on Wednesday’s penultimate show with the help of a number of A-list stars.
The 62-year-old comedian replaced David Letterman in September 2015, but one of his most popular segments, “The Colbert Questionnato,” will debut in January 2021.
The segment has 15 questions, first answered by Meryl Streep in the debut sequence, and answers from many people over the past five years, including Prince Harry and Keanu Reeves, have gone viral.
Now, as late night draws to a close on Thursday’s Secret finale, Colbert finally answers all 15 questions himself, as a number of talented people pose questions to him, introduced by John Dickerson.
Comedy legend Billy Crystal came out to ask the first question. “What’s the best sandwich?”
Colbert’s answer was twofold, arguing that in the summer it’s “a tomato sandwich on very thin white bread,” but not in other seasons.
“For the rest of the season, wherever I am, I’ll have warm pastrami on rye with a little mustard and a little coleslaw if the guy behind the counter likes it. If it’s not a kosher deli, I’ll give him a little muenster.”
“Weird” Al Yankovic then appeared and asked what Colbert’s first concert was. It was during Chuck Mangione’s Children of the Sanchez tour.
Josh Brolin, who revealed that Colbert was listed as “Wolf Boy” on his phone, asked the host what the scariest animal was.
“The scariest animal to me is the trapped spider. There’s very little sand, no problem. They come out and pull you back in. Here’s what’s even scarier than that, Josh Brolin. Scientists named the trapped spider after me.”
The spider, discovered on a California coast in 2007, was named “Aptostychus stephencolberti” after the comedian in 2008.
Brolin also gave him a ship in a bottle that he got on eBay. It says, “May you always be able to glide over the sometimes turbulent waters of life.”
Martha Stewart then asked a simple question: “Apples or oranges?”
“Well, you can’t put peanut butter on an orange, so I’m going to risk the wrath of the Seraphim and say apple,” Colbert said.
Mark Hamill then asked if he had ever asked anyone else for an autograph, and Colbert replied that he had, and asked Steve Martin for his autograph after the show.
Perhaps the most profound answer of the night came when comedian Jim Gaffigan asked, “What do you think happens when people die?”
“I think it’s more like an emotion. I think there’s a kind of continuity, but it’s like dispersing yourself into another greater being, and there’s no emotion beyond that,” Colbert said.
Gaffigan then said, “What you’re saying is we’re going to be Febreze.”
Colbert also told Jeff Daniels that his favorite action movie was Raiders of the Lost Ark and revealed to Tiffany Haddish that he prefers aisle seats to window seats on airplanes. The reason is that it has a “baby chipmunk bladder.”
When his wife Evie came out and asked him what his favorite scent was, he revealed that it was the Chirose-scented lotion he put on when getting ready to go out, adding: “When I smell it, I can tell you’re wearing almost nothing.”
When Strangers with Candy co-star Amy Sedaris was asked what her least favorite smell was, she revealed it was one she found in her neighbor’s house as a boy. It was the smell of a jar of grease leaking into a bag of sugar. Although he has experienced it before, he says, “I have never smelled such a bad smell.”
Ben Stiller asked what his earliest memory was. It was a memory of his mother drawing pictures in his room when he was probably three or four years old, when he could not yet speak.
“I remember trying to tell her, and trying to tell her about the dream I had the night before,” about the albino alligator at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C.
When Aubrey Plaza simply asked, “Cat or dog?”, Colbert replied, “I’ve lived with both,” and then, after a long pause, added, “Dog.”
Robert De Niro asked the now infamous question, “What numbers are you thinking about?” Colbert reveals three real answers:
“Meryl Streep and Ethan Hawke got it right. Three. That’s the number I was thinking,” De Niro said, adding that it would be 2.5 million, but the number of trumps in the Epstein file has not been made public.
Dickerson’s final question is, “How would you describe the rest of your life in five words?”
Colbert thoughtfully replied, “Family, friends, fun.”
Colbert’s show, “The Late Show,” concludes Thursday night on CBS with an extended episode featuring unannounced guests.
