John Waters admitted he dreamed of winning an Oscar.
“Is there a gay kid who hasn’t given an Oscar acceptance speech?” the legendary filmmaker asked, before adding, “I’d rather host the Oscars. I’ve hosted the Spirit Awards so many times that I’ve already auditioned.”
I ask Waters to tell me his best pitch to the academy. “I’d like Chris Rock and Will Smith to be there,” he says. “They come out and there’s a movie called ‘Sissyboy Slap Party,’ and it’s a hilarious underground movie.”
It’s been 62 years since Waters made his first film, the 1964 non-dialogue short film “Hag in a Black Leather Jacket.” His debut film, Mondo Tracho, came out in 1969 and starred his frequent collaborator, future drag queen superstar Divine. In 1970, he traveled cross-country from Provincetown, Massachusetts, to Los Angeles for the first time for the premiere of Multiple Maniacs.
Waters’ filmography has grown from outrageous ones like “Pink Flamingo” and “Female Trouble” to more mainstream hits like “Hairspray,” “Cry Baby” and “Cereal Mama.”
He would like to become a director again. “I was going to make my first novel, Liarmouth, into a movie. That was an option. I wrote the script. Aubrey Plaza was going to star in it, but no one would pay for it,” he says.
Waters and I have a Zoom audio call ahead of his touring show, Going to Extremes: John Waters 80th Birthday Celebration, which opens April 14th at California State University LA’s Luckman Fine Arts Complex in Los Angeles. In addition to the tour, he will celebrate his 80th birthday (his actual birthday is April 22nd) with a private trip to France. “I’m going to the ruins of the Marquis de Sade castle with a friend.”
Happy early birthday!
Talk about exploiting my birthday. I feel like Grandpa from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
How did the birthday tour come about?
Last year we played 59 shows on tour, 19 of which were at Christmas. We always did birthday shows. There will be a Valentine’s Day performance. There are all kinds of holidays. What I’m not doing is Groundhog Day. I’m always touring. This year is more exploitable because I’m 80 and I think I’m in bigger theaters and new places, but it was through all my promoters. I’m a carny. I live on the road. I’m already used to it.
Have you ever said to yourself or someone else, “Slow down, you’re 80 years old, you don’t need to work that hard”?
When I say that, I get asked, “Maybe I wasn’t careful enough?” However, in the world of show business this is not enough for anyone. I used to say at shows that I would “die on stage.” You can take selfies with me, and if you dig me out for sex, it’s only oral. I don’t know if Variety will publish it. But I rewrite the entire show once a year, so this show includes new jokes.
Do you remember the first time you came to Los Angeles?
Yes, I drove across the country with[actor]David Lokery to the midnight premiere of Multiple Maniacs, and I went to the Manson trial, and the first time I walked across Hollywood Boulevard, I got arrested for walking on a pedestrian bridge. I wasn’t arrested, but I was ticketed. Considering how I looked at the time, I was lucky because that was all I had. I don’t think anyone thought I was a hustler.
Did you quit acid on your 70th birthday? Is there anything else you want to do as you turn 80?
I always joke that when I’m 80, I’m going to be straight and have my first saucy cunnilingus.
Where does your energy and enthusiasm come from? I can’t see you now, but I can hear your joy just by hearing your sounds.
Well, that’s good. I want to make myself laugh first and then make others laugh. If you laugh, I hope you’ll change your opinion. It’s easy to be shocked. It’s much harder to make people laugh by never laughing. And they stop and then you listen to them and I always say we should have sex with them in this next election. That’s what God’s children used to do. They once sent out frivolous fish who had sex with people and then converted them to God. Maybe that’s what they have to do to convert the Fox people.
Have you ever thought about running for office?
Not being paid enough.
In the end, is it just a matter of money?
Well, I already have a lot of power. And secondly, you have to please everyone. My job is the exact opposite.
Did anything shock you today?
Oh, everything shocks me. are you kidding? I don’t know if you’ve seen any pictures of me participating in the No Kings protest march. My signboard said: It said, “Trump ruined bad taste,” and that’s true. It’s not fun anymore. He ended his bad taste. There is nothing fun left in bad taste. Humor is terrorism. Humor is the way to win wars. In high school, I used humor to protect myself from getting beaten up. you take advantage of it. That is the power of humor, and that is how it changes people’s hearts. It is far more effective to make your opponent laugh than to preach. That’s why I don’t like leftists or rightists, I’m always a radical middle-man.
Have you met Donald Trump?
No, even when he was a Democrat, I thought he was some hairhopper bastard. I met him at Studio 54.
Remember him in Studio 54?
He was a hair hopper. A hair hopper is someone who spends too much time on their hair and brags about being rich without irony.
At that time, could you have imagined that he would elect the president twice?
No, never. I think he said two interesting things. “Biden hates you,” he said during a debate with Kamala Harris. That was interesting. And it was funny when he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” He’s right about how people dress badly on airplanes.
Do you have hope for the future of this country?
I always have hope. I’m the type of person who isn’t even half satisfied. My glass always overflows. It’s never empty.
Where does that optimism come from?
I’m glad to be alive, and since I don’t believe in life after death, I want to do whatever I can, so I want to do everything I can while I’m here. I want to read every book. I want to meet everyone. I want to hear about everyone’s bad nights. I’m not a separatist. I like hanging out with straight and gay people. There are idiots on both sides, and there’s a new sexual revolution happening right now, so I think it’s funny to hear Republican parents telling their transgender kids, “Isn’t it okay to be gay?”
I would like to ask you about your thoughts on AI. People are worried that creativity will be lost and jobs will be taken away…
This is what I hope – that we will find a cure for cancer and that we can.
What did you do with your first large salary?
The first time I received a large salary was as a puppeteer. When I was 12 years old, I was getting paid $25 per show. Sometimes it was twice a week. I’ll probably buy more dolls. I put it back, but at the same time probably invested in marijuana after that as well. I’m not smoking right now.
When was the last time you smoked marijuana?
I haven’t smoked in 8498 days. I write it down every day. The last time I smoked weed was probably in Provincetown a few years ago. I’m just nervous now. It doesn’t make me relax.
What makes you relax? What’s slowing you down?
Well, slowing down and relaxing are not the same thing. Relaxing means staying at home and reading a good book and not having to go out for dinner in the evening. Nothing will slow me down. The only thing that slowed me down when it happened was an illness like coronavirus. So I don’t take selfies anymore. You can always tell when I take a selfie.
What were your childhood birthday parties like?
The first time was when I was eight years old, the only time I ever did drag in my life, for The Wicked Witch of the West. I was having my 30th birthday party at a punk rock bar, and a stripper came running out. She was my friend and she jumped off a cake and broke her leg. And my 40th person was at a nursing home, and the invitation included a walker.
You said you don’t believe in life after death. So what do you still want to do while you’re here?
I might write a play someday. I’ve never done anything like that. That’s all that’s left. I’ve never met Eminem.
why do you want to meet him?
He’s the only celebrity I’d like to meet but haven’t yet, and I keep saying so, but he never calls. We know Elton John and his husband (David Furnish) aren’t homophobic because they gave him a gold cock ring when they got married.
One of the top Google searches for you is “Is John Waters married?”
No, I’ve never been there. I’m not trying to imitate a ritual I’ve never enjoyed in my life. But I believe in marriage. My parents were very happily married for 70 years.
What did they think when you showed up to your 8th birthday party in drag as the Wicked Witch of the West?
Oh, it was nothing compared to what came after. I think my father rolled his eyes, but my parents supported me even though they didn’t like what I was doing.
This Q&A has been edited for length and clarity.
