John Davidson, the Scottish Tourette syndrome activist and real-life inspiration for ‘I Swear’, made headlines at the 79th BAFTA Awards when his unintentional vocal tics interrupted the ceremony, including an outburst of racial slurs as ‘The Sinners’ stars Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo presented their awards. In an exclusive email interview with Variety, Davidson gave his thoughts on what happened, including what precautions and guardrails he expected the BBC and BAFTA to put in place before attending the ceremony.
Since the incident, Davidson’s team has revealed that they have reached out to the studio behind Sinners to apologize directly to Jordan, Lindor, and production designer Hannah Beachler.
Here he explains it in his own words.
Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo at the BAFTAs.
BAFTA Getty Images
For many people, the only criteria for Tourette syndrome comes from stereotypes, especially the idea that it’s “just a bad word” or a slur meant to shock. How do you explain the condition to someone who starts with it?
Very often, the media focuses on my particular type of Tourette’s disease, called Corruption, which is the unconscious use of obscene and offensive language. This symptom affects 10% to 30% of people with the disease, but is not a diagnostic criterion. However, tics are among the most difficult to manage and can be extremely distressing for those living with them. As a result, many report discrimination and isolation.
I was once physically beaten to within inches of flesh with an iron rod after I made a comment to a young woman whose boyfriend and accomplice ambushed me one night.
The real challenge is not the tics themselves, but the misconceptions surrounding them. Understanding the full scope of Tourette’s disease can help reduce stigma and support everyone living with Tourette’s disease.
When socially unacceptable words are uttered, the guilt and shame experienced by people with this condition can be excruciating and often cause great distress. I cannot begin to explain how upset and distraught I am as the effects of Sunday run deep.
Can you tell what happens in the moments before a vocal tic occurs, or does it only become apparent after the fact?
Depending on the severity of the symptoms, people either have the ability to suppress their speech for short periods of time or they do not. Suppressing is like drinking a full bottle of Coca-Cola and shaking it every time you want to feel a tic. Eventually, the pressure becomes so strong that it has to be released and explodes, which in some cases can cause a tic attack.
Personally, my brain works very quickly and my tics are always very intense, so I have no idea when they’re coming or what they’ll be like. I have very little inhibition and have no choice but to tic in stressful situations. It simply jumps out of me like a gunshot.
When tics include slurs or taboo phrases, what is the most important thing you want people to understand about the distinction between intentional and involuntary neurological responses?
I want people to know and understand that my tics have absolutely nothing to do with what I think, feel, or believe. It is an involuntary neurological misfire. My tics are not intentional, chosen, or a reflection of my values.
If you’ve seen “I Swear,” you’ll understand. Over the years, my tics have caused me to say and do things that cause me great pain and upset. Punching Dottie (my second mother) in the face is a prime example of this. Dottie is someone I love dearly. I don’t want to hurt her. There was a time when she hit me in the face and almost caused a head-on collision while I was driving at high speed.
Tourette’s disease can cause your body and voice to make unintentional movements, and those tics can be your worst words. Let me be clear: there is zero intent behind them. What you are hearing is a symptom. Not my personality, thoughts, or beliefs.
Tourette’s can feel mean and seeks out the tics that are most upsetting to myself and those around me. I believe it’s literally the last thing in the world that you hear me screaming. That’s the opposite of what I believe. For example, the most offensive words I uttered at the ceremony are words I would never have used and would have completely condemned if I didn’t have Tourette’s.
This part of my symptoms, often triggered by things I see or hear, is called echolalia. For example, when the British Academy chairman started his speech on Sunday, I exclaimed, “I’m bored!” On Sunday, Alan Cumming joked about his sexuality, referring to Paddington bear, saying: “Maybe you’d like to come home with me, Paddington. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve brought home a hairy Peruvian bear.” As a result, I developed a homophobic tic and screamed “pedophile”, which was probably caused by Paddington Bear being a children’s character.
I would appreciate a report of the event that explains the probably 10 offensive words I ticked off on awards night. The N-word is one of them, and while I completely understand its importance in history and the modern world, most articles give the impression that I shouted just one slur on Sunday.
What went into your decision to attend in person, and what conversations did you have with BAFTA or the BBC beforehand about how they could support you and other guests?
This was an awards ceremony that featured six nominations related to films that tell the story of my life living with Tourette’s disease. This was a three-year project for me, working with the writer, director, production, and cast. I am also actively participating as the executive producer of this film. I had the same right to attend as anyone else.
As a voting member, I also knew that most of the audience had seen “I Swear” and would be well prepared, well educated, and well informed about my condition.
Having lived in a Tourette’s home for almost 40 years, I knew how difficult it was both physically and mentally to go to a Tourette’s home. I also had major heart surgery just 5 weeks ago. I tried my best to participate and put all my focus into it.
I was so happy to see everyone cheer and applaud me that night, including some of the most respected celebrities in the film industry. I stood up, waved, thanked them, acknowledged that this was an important moment in my life, and was finally accepted. It started out as one of the most memorable experiences of my life.
StudioCanal works closely with BAFTA, who made sure we all knew that any abuse would be edited out from broadcast. I have made four documentaries for the BBC in the past, and I feel that they should have been aware of what to expect from a Tourette program and made more of an effort to ensure that my comments – some 40 rows back from the stage – were not included in the broadcast.
When I think back to the auditorium, I remember there was a microphone right in front of me. In hindsight, I wonder if it was wise to have the mic so close to where I was sitting knowing I would get a tic.
What was going through your mind the moment you realized that your tics could be clearly heard in the room?
At first, my tics were just sounds and movements, but the more nervous I got, the louder they became. My stomach just dropped when the corruption tic subsided. As usual, I felt a wave of embarrassment and embarrassment wash over me all at once. I want to be swallowed up by the floor. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to hide – just run away from all eyes.
I was hoping people would understand. In my mind, I was saying, “These people have seen that movie.” They’ll know I can’t help this. They’ll know it’s not me. This is exactly why we are here. I said to myself, “Don’t judge me. Please understand that this is not me.”
I was trying to calm myself down and breathe, but ultimately decided to leave so as not to upset her further. BAFTA found a private room with a monitor and watched the rest of the awards there.
To be honest, this award has further enhanced my daily life, which is why I have been afraid to leave the house for much of my life. Because I’m very anxious and nervous about what I’ll do and how people will react.
You have spent years educating and campaigning about Tourette syndrome. Where is real progress being made, and where are misconceptions most persistent?
Sometimes it feels like we’re making a lot of progress educating people about this disease, but there’s a lot more that needs to be done. The comments after the BAFTAs where people said things like “you should stay indoors,” “I wouldn’t say that unless I meant it,” and “I’m a racist deep down” are very upsetting to me and show that there’s still a lot of work to be done.
The negative response only shows the importance of people seeing this film and understanding more about this incredibly complex neurological condition. I expected the BBC to physically control the sound at Sunday’s awards ceremony. It was quite far from the stage. The lack of reaction from early presenters to my tics, and the fact that no one turned around to look at me, made me think, like everyone else, that I couldn’t be heard on stage.
The only time I realized my tics were reaching the stage was when Delroy and Michael B. Jordan seemed to look up from their roles as presenters, and shortly after that I decided to leave the auditorium.
Finally, are there any words you’d like us to avoid, such as “explosion” or “out of control,” to be more precise?
It is important not to use the word “disability”. This is considered a “condition” by the Tourette’s community. I prefer expressions like, “I have lived with this condition…”
